Growing Together: The Case for Young Love

I am convinced that the younger you form a bond with someone, the better your chances of having true love for the long haul.

I have more life experience than I would have liked, but I have learned a lot of lessons throughout the years. I also observe, constantly watching for patterns– patterns of behaviors, patterns of success, and patterns that cause damage. There is one pattern that I have noticed enough to feel confident in forming a solid opinion, and this is it.

Being Gen X, I grew up with parents who always shunned my young relationships, telling me that I was too young and didn't know what love was. In one aspect, they were right, and in the other, they were dead wrong. Of course, I didn't know what love was; I was 14, and that is a key point in my observation.

Too young? For many years, I wouldn't have argued with that; now, as I am a few years shy of 50, I will die on the hill that you are never too young to form a bond where you can grow and discover what love is together.

In my view, that is the key to success.

Almost every long-term successful marriage I am acquainted with personally started as a childhood romance with a high-school sweetheart or met in their early 20s. Once you leave the safety of the nest you were raised in, life experience takes hold, mistakes are made, and the hard lessons come to light. The longer you are building up resistance, the larger the luggage collection. The baggage you carry goes with you into your relationships, and when you try to be with someone who didn't share the hardships and the hard lessons alongside you, there will always be a distance.

Add two divorces and another 30 years to that equation, and your baggage will fill a 747. The math equations are flying through your head... I can sense it from here.

I was madly in love with my boyfriend when I was 14. As much as a 14-year-old can be "in love." He was sweet and never pressured my "I want to remain a virgin" ass to go all the way. We wrote hundreds of letters to each other (yes, letters. It was the early 90s), talked on the phone all night, and saw one another at school. I "dated" him for over a year and had no intention of being with anyone else. Ever. You know how it is when you are 14.

The caveat to this story is that my parents despised him. Admittedly, for no reason, as I learned from them decades later. I was never allowed to go out on dates with him, so I had to see him at school. I snuck out of the house for a couple of nights to see him, but that was it. After a year together, my parents made me break up with him. We never did anything wrong; I was still a virgin, and he was a good kid; they hated the idea of me having a boyfriend. My dad answered his calls and told him to stop, and any gifts or letters left on my front door were thrown into his front yard. That pain scars me to this day. Let's say "The Notebook" hit me hard.

Thanks, Dad.

Needless to say, we both moved on. What choice did we have? He got a new girlfriend who very obviously gave it up for him, and I started on my infamous string of mistakes. He is still single to this day, and I need a larger luggage rack.

We reconnected briefly after my divorce in 2009, but the timing was bad. We had wonderful talks, and the kindling was certainly still burning. We also laughed as he confirmed that the girlfriend after me did give it up for him very quickly. We remain distant acquaintances.

Even recently, my parents brought him up to me, and I can see the regret in their faces. They know what they did and the infamous string of mistakes that could have been avoided. They even encouraged me to reach out to him again, but honestly, that ship has sailed, and it isn't one I would board again.

Thanks, Universe.

Hindsight being the beacon of clarity that it is, I know deep down that if we had been allowed to run our course, we had a really strong chance of still being in one of those long-haul marriages I so envy. We would have had the chance to grow up together, make mistakes together, go through struggles together, and learn what love is together. I am convinced that the growth into adulthood between two people is the strongest avenue to build intimacy and maintain a long-term bond.

We wonder why the marriages of older generations lasted so long. Sure, a percentage is due to the lack of an easy divorce, but I believe the largest contributor is that they married younger and grew up together to become a single unit rather than trying to mold their lives together as two separate individuals with separate anvils of experience. That is way too much work for most people.

I don't share this to have a pity party. The waahmbulance left my driveway decades ago. I have been single by choice for nine years and am beyond content and too set in my ways. My luggage is deep in storage, and it would take a miracle of the Universe to share my remaining space with someone else or have to unpack that luggage again.

I share this with parents who are considering preventing young connections from budding because of preconceived notions about being "too young." For the love of the deity of your choice, please don't. Let nature run its course. Unless it is dangerous in any way, don't try and prevent it.